Blog title still stands

I decided I wanted to write a little something  and remembered this blog, so I’m back for the first time in a long time. My blog title has withstood the test of time  I’m still putting down eclectic ideas! My thoughts are straying to possible *adult-only content* but I will avoid that direction in today’s writing and come back to it after reading up on the rules on the site. Therefore today is just an update

My older son did move to California with us. He is working at a theme park and loves it, and he is trying to figure out how to become a background actor. My younger child spent a year living with his dad before returning to California and beginning his gender transition. My stepsons both have gotten good jobs and have moved out  but not before bringing home a “stray” who had been kicked out from home on his 18th birthday. So we still have 3 living at home, but only one is one of the originals. The youngest is finishing high school and we have been college hunting  We’re waiting on 2 schools responses before he decides where he’s going. We are staring down an empty nest sooner rather than later.

Her health is definitely an issue. She’s had to take a medical leave from work and she HATES it. She feels unproductive and bored. But she’s recuperating and may soon be able to return. We got married in December of 2015, and it was a whirlwind day (month) but everything came together like it was all part of the plan. It continues to amaze me at how things always fall into place for us. Three years and we still act like newlyweds!

I am also working and taking classes  I’m super stressed out and already ready to give up. But between her medical leave and the expenses of a child’s senior year of high school we have to have the income. I know I’ll figure it out and get through and I definitely have a better support system than I’ve ever had in my life.

So does anyone still read these things or am I speaking to the wind?

 

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Secrets

I’ve never told anyone that I blog on here. I’ve never purposely NOT told anyone either. But yesterday I spun the truth just a little bit. We were at the doctor with my stepson and I got a notification that my favorite bloggers had a new item up. When I visibly got excited, I explained what I’d found, and then the doctor asked if I blogged too. Luckily it made both my girlfriend and her son laugh – this idea of me being a blogger, and they weren’t super interested in the fact that I replied that I do write, but only for myself. But now I’m struggling. Was that too much of an untruth? I don’t want any part of our relationship to be a secret. I’ve lived with that before. Secret texts, secret conversations, secret meetings even. I learned not to trust, which once came as naturally as breathing. My girlfriend is an open book and so very patient and I’m finally learning how to trust again. I refuse to tear that apart with even a simple secret. I feel like I need to at least tell her that I do have a blog, but only give her the details to access it if she asks. (Although it would be easy to find if anyone looked who knows me – I’ve never tried to hide it either.)
It’s funny how it didn’t seem to matter until someone else asked about it, though. I just like having a place to pour my thoughts. It often lets me grasp the most slippery ones and understand what is going on in my head. It also gives me a way to return to thoughts from previous days, weeks, months, or years – ones that might otherwise be forgotten. I would love to put my last five years into a book format. I’m pretty sure there are other women who would find similarities in my own story to theirs, and find that they are not alone. These life journeys are only the hardest when we fear that we are the only one facing a certain dilemma. It’s always infinitely easier if we know someone else has faced the same fire and gotten through!
Those are the reasons why I write. Nothing that’s secret or that should be hidden. I guess I’ll explain it to my girl tonight.

A strange sadness

I spent the day feeling moody and down but I had no real reason for the negativity. What is worse is that I got good news this afternoon and then felt even worse. I’ve been weepy for hours – tears leaking from my eyes without my permission. When my girlfriend got home from work, it was better for a while. When she fell asleep, it kicked in again at a faster pace than before.
Oddly enough, I received a package today that I hadn’t even looked at twice because I’d assumed that it had to do with a consolidation of student loans I’ve been working on. I thought it was funny that I’d gotten a second packet from them in the “regular” mail so I tore into the first package to make sure they hadn’t included something more important. Only it wasn’t from them at all. It was the paperwork I’ve been waiting on for 6 months. My ex finally filed divorce papers. Not the ones I sent him, that said we agreed on everything – that would’ve been too easy. No, he’s even hired an attorney. But it’s filed and I will finally be able to end the marriage and be free to marry this incredible woman! I am thrilled. I am terrified. What if he’s changed something, like trying to get mega child support? Or I don’t know what else? But I’ll be free! I don’t care what happens, as long as I can just be free.
Here is why I think the weeping returned so intensely: my girl didn’t seem to be as excited as I’d hope she would be. Granted it means a minimum of 6 months, but we knew that already. Granted I might have to travel 2000+ miles for a court hearing to make sure I don’t get hit with a massive unexpected debt. (If he wants to try to saddle me with half of his bills, I’ll share my own in return. I took student loans out while we were married in the security that he earned a decent wage to help make sure I could repay them.)
My girl and I should both be ecstatic. But instead she seemed worried and I’m sad. What is wrong? I don’t like it. Maybe it’ll become clearer in a day or two, once we’ve processed the immediate concerns. I guess I’ll write more when it’s clearer.

I just need to write today.

I’ve had a rough day. I have used birth control methods since the birth of my younger child (who is 14) that have prevented mgr from having a regular menstrual cycle until the last year. I haven’t had to deal with hormonal fluctuations in nearly 15years, until this past year, and it SUCKS! I really hate being moody.
I’m the “responsible adult” around the house most of the time. Everything from “do we really need to buy that thing, because it will make the budget really tight” to “no the boys don’t need to get 3 sandwiches from the fast food restaurant.” Usually I don’t mind this role and I can usually make it a simple issue that doesn’t cause contention. But in the past week, I’ve been highly stressed, hormonal, and when faced with making these decisions yet again, I’ve gotten a bit upset, even angry. I’m tired of being the one who has to say no, although every time I do, my girlfriend supports my reasoning. But then today she seemed to get upset too, which has caused me even more stress. Top that off with: she’s sick, so she is already sleeping so I can’t even talk to her about it.
So is she upset that I told her boys no yet again? Or because the younger one got upset that he couldn’t have what he wanted? Or because I told her no she can’t have a dark soda (because she’s trying to lose weight due to her chronic disease AND it gives her terrible heartburn)? Or because her older son brought up her late girlfriend? (By the way I MUST make it a point to completely avoid a particular area of the Valley when the kids are with us. Even though it’s one of the easier places to access certain stores, they can’t help but discuss what they did or didn’t do with the stepmom who passed away every single time we get in that vicinity. Understandable but much too hurtful to subject myself to if I can avoid it. Luckily my girlfriend and I are discussing a move in a couple of years that will all but eliminate the necessity of driving in or around the area.)
Anyway I got tired of being the “bad guy” and I want a break. So I know I’m sitting her down, probably tomorrow while the boys are busy, to discuss how to give them some ground rules that will stop much of the problem, and make it less of me being “mean” even when I have to step in. I know a big part of the problem is that they were living a much freer lifestyle financially until I was in their lives. But that was because my girlfriend was living with a roommate who had a good income but not someone she wanted to live with. Now she’s the only income source but the boys are so used to being spoiled, and more problematic, she’s so used to giving them what they want, that they’re all chafing at the need for a budget. I wish we could afford to give all our kids what they want but it’s just not something we can do now. But I don’t want to be the only one telling them no. Especially since it was BECAUSE of the late girlfriend that they began to get used to being treated to the finer things in life… she started them all on the road to being spoiled. So now I’m not only mean, I’m the mean mom out of 3. And I don’t like it. Today, all I wanted was for someone else to make the decisions and let metre sulk in my hormonal bad mood, but no, I couldn’t even get that. So I’m going to cry myself to sleep with the knowledge that we will talk about it tomorrow and maybe, just maybe, I’ll get the rest of the weekend to just veg and feel better.

I am loved!

And her love for me makes me love her more. At times, like today when she demonstrates just how important I am to her, I find it hard to believe. No one has ever loved me in this way before. I know it’s possible to love someone in such a way because it’s how I love. But it’s the first time in my life that it’s been reciprocal.
I had been struggling with a few moments where I felt like I was lost in the shadow of her late girlfriend recently. I had not yet commented on it because I didn’t realize it was affecting me as much as it was. Then yesterday she brought up the possibility of 2 separate visits to said late girlfriend’s family. A sister because she’s recently moved and wants us to see her new home, and the parents, who may be planning a Thanksgiving dinner. Suddenly I was facing not only feeling like I was 2nd best but I would have to listen to these folks and my girlfriend reminisce about how wonderful life was with the late girlfriend.
I gave myself a few hours to organize my thoughts and then when she got home from work, we started talking. I told her about the specific instances where I’d felt 2nd, and why, and I explained why I was scared of being at these other people’s homes, with no car and no way to retreat if it got to be too difficult to keep hearing how saintly (or even not so saintly, but forgiven because it was just her personality) the dead woman was. I reminded her that I was NOT blaming anyone because that person was the whole reason they are even connected. I understand it’s not malicious, but it’s very painful to listen to what perfection I can never hope to match. Especially with no car; no way out!
My girlfriend listened to everything I said and then she pulled me close and told me that if it was too uncomfortable, we wouldn’t go. She looked me square in the eye and said “I would not bring her back because I wouldn’t have you. With her, it was a lot of work. With you it’s not work, it’s a lot of love.” She didn’t say in words but she basically said that she knows she is not obligated to that family, and she told me she is completely committed to me. And that commitment includes making sure I am happy and not put into situations that hurt. She said if it hurts me then it hurts her.
I’m dating, no more than that, I am engaged to a woman who was basically widowed. I understand that means her late girlfriend will always have a special place in her heart. I’m okay with that. I even understand that it means she has a connection to this family forever, if they choose to maintain it,  and I’m (mostly) okay with that. (Mostly because in May, they voiced the opinion that my girlfriend “wasn’t really related so she shouldn’t go to [late girlfriend’s son’s] graduation.” These comments nearly broke my girlfriend’s heart. She was part of the boy’s life since he was 9, and the only reason he didn’t give up and drop out when his mother passed away was because my girlfriend wouldn’t allow it. She was the reason he made it to that stage, and she deserved to see him there. We did convince her to ignore the comments and go, and soon everyone started apologizing that it was just a erroneous reaction to the first big family event after the death. She forgave them, but I haven’t. I saw what effect their words had on her and I despise what that did. But if they continue to be positive and she chooses to keep a relationship with them, I’ll support her.) What I struggle with is more often a fear of the unknown. Is it normal for her grief to look a certain way or is it okay for me to expect a certain response to specific issues, etc. And we are learning together that these fears and questions and concerns are easily dispatched when we simply communicate. Often. And without holding back.
Each time we have a deep discussion I learn all over again what it feels like to be honestly and completely loved. She keeps showing me. And I’m surprised every time. Because it’s new and it’s amazing. She loves me. And I love her more every time I realize that fact.

The Dailies

And the title is not in reference to funny cartoons unfortunately. Rather the day to day activities of life. I remember now: I get bored easily. I need something to do, even if it’s only to give me something to complain about! I think I’ll have to find a part time job once all the kids are in their regular school routines. Trouble is, that won’t be for a month because the oldest will be in his first year of college and they don’t start till September. So in the meantime I’m floundering to find enough to do that doesn’t cost much. At least knowing that I’ll look and hopefully find something will give me a forward thinking goal.
My girl has been doing a great job on her very restricted diet. I’ve found numerous recipes and cooked them and she’s enjoying food. I’ve found a few packaged snacks that work too, plus fresh fruit and vegetables. We are all eating much healthier because of her diet, so it’s been another good thing disguised by a negative connotation.
My son’s dad is doing well as far as we can tell. My son has talked to him a few times and seems to be confident that his dad will be okay. But with everything that’s happened, my son is now strongly considering moving out here and getting a job. He would fit in well with the rest of the boys. The only difficulty would be the space. We don’t have a lot, and there’s already 3 teenagers using it. It would be a while before my son would be able to move on his own (he lives with friends now, and they share the bills). I’d love to have him here, but I worry about the burden on our budget and space.
I’m home with the kids today with no real plans. I need to take them to the library so at least two of us can get library cards. Two are sleeping and one is playing video games. I don’t have any money on their bus passes to take them to a mall or anything farther away, so we are generally just stuck. The two younger ones might go for a bike ride or something and I will likely send the oldest to put in a couple of job applications in a while. I can do a little cleaning but we’ve done a good job keeping our messes to a minimum and cleaning after ourselves so there’s not a lot. I do need to do laundry but I don’t have coins for the machine. This is frustrating!!
Yes I need something to keep me busy. I miss my woman!

A difficult day

I adore my woman. I love my life in California. I have just a couple more loose ends to tie up and we will be ready to live life the way we have been planning for months. But today was hard.
My girl has a chronic illness and has been fighting for years to prevent it from worsening. One of the side effects is high blood pressure, and just before she came to visit, that problem disappeared. She stopped her medication for it, on doctors orders, and has just been monitoring it for weeks. However we learned that the medication was helping another issue and since she’s been off it, the other thing has become a major problem.
In the meantime, as we were waiting on her doctor, my son called me to tell me he just found out that his father tried to commit suicide a few days ago. Apparently he tried seeing his house on fire, severely burned his hand, and is currently hospitalized. My son lives 4 hours away and has no way of getting a ride to visit his dad. His dad’s family actually didn’t even tell him what had happened – he had to call his ex-stepmom instead. I can’t decide if I’m more angry at his dad for making the attempt or at the rest of his family for trying to hide it from my son.
My heart is heavy tonight. I can’t be there to help my son. I can’t get him a ride to visit his dad. I feel kind of like a bad mom right now. I can do a little too help my girl. She has a new medication and a diet to follow and I can encourage and support her, but even then, I can’t take away her very real fear of her illness developing into the next step. That will either happen our it won’t, and only time will tell. So in all reality, I’m rather useless in that situation too.
I’ll be here for them both as much as I can. I know that simply offering my ear and my shoulder is helpful for them both. But I wish so much I could do more. Something tangible. Something that actually HELPS.
Please send positive thoughts, prayers, or any other good karma. My family needs it today.